The Compiled History and Wisdom of
Gen. Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
Unpublished notes from Reuters war correspondent Jeeves McKneecap..
When asked about advancing through hedgerow country Gen. Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk commented:
"It's like my large intestine. It seems like around every turn there's crap you don't want to run into."
"When I get to
Gen. Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
"There are only three types of commanders: those who keep track of every detail, and those who don't."
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
"Retreat? Never. I won't pay
for the same real estate twice. Except for that damn
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
"If a monkey has you by the balls, that is NOT the time to start eating a banana."
Gen. Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
After hearing an armed forces radio address, Gen Hawk was heard to comment: "You've got nothing to fear but fear itself? That's a scary thought isn't it?"
This comment both inspired and deeply confused the Chaplin for the 58th Infantry company.
"The future of war? Someday men will no longer have to die in a war. It will be fought by robots...or maybe exploding cats. Anyway, I look forward to that day because I know that after that war is over I will get to kill any of the remaining robots. Or cats."
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk: Omni magazine, May 1978
"...get your asses into the
game. I don't pay you to sit around sipping tea like a bunch of
German radio intercept, St. Lo region, 1944
Historical Note:
There have never been any confirmed
sightings of any Mid-Western Homosexuals, e.g.
"When the going gets tough, you've probably run aground"
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk: Address to the Naval Academy 1962
"Remember, fear is only in your mind. Well, technically it is in the dictionary under F but you know what I mean"
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk: Pre-mission briefing before the St. Lo assault.
"No one is braver than the bow gunner on a tank shooting at infantry a half klick away"
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk: At the Opening of a new Officer's Club at the Aberdeen Proving Grounds
"It's not important whether or not a bear shits in the woods, but where"
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk:
Address to Graduates of the
"I can't tolerate failure in my command. Failure means defeat. Defeat means death. Death means I have to write a whole ass-load full of 'I regret to inform you' letters. And that makes my fingers hurt. Especially the finger I call Mr. Itchy."
Gen. Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
When asked if he, like Patton, enjoyed battle, Gen Mel Bullshorts Hawk remarked:
"There's nothing enjoyable or interesting about seeing men die... unless when they get hit they spin around in some comical way or if one guy's head gets shot off by a sniper and it falls into his buddy's chow."
Only part of that interview made it past the editor.
One afternoon the General ran out of Scotch and walked to the supply depot where he found three enlisted men sleeping. He pulled out his pistol and shot each of the men in the leg, then casually picked out a bottle of Scotch and returned to his command tent. A board of inquiry later asked if shooting three men during a Scotch run was necessary. The General replied "Of course, I was totally out of Scotch".
"I love air support. I really admire those pilots. Flying through all that flak. But where the hell do they find guys that small. Shit those aircraft are only the size of my thumb."
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk's contribution to Perspective: Introduction to Non-Euclidean Geometry.
"I don't have cowards in my outfit, only heroes... and some cripples, a pile of corpses, and some guys with one of their arms shot off who I pair together to make them like a normal two-armed guy."
From an article about Gen Mel
'Bullshorts' Hawk:
"If the walls really have ears then why the hell do we have hatracks?"
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
In an interview in
"... yes I 've known about this special ability ever since birth. I can talk to the dead. They never say anything back though. A bit disappointing, but hey, a gift is a gift."
This ability both inspired and deeply confused Corporal Uri Geller.
"...yes, you're quite correct. My original name was not Mel Hawk. My father, who was a distinguished WWI Major, changed the name to something more befitting the future military leader he hoped I would become. So he changed the name from a rather bland Clansey to that a bird of prey. No not Hawk...Mel. My father had a rather vicious parakeet named Mel, so he named me after him. Our family name was always Hawk."
Transcripts from 20/20 with Barbara Walters, May 1996.
"I love the thrill of battle. It's like taking a deep whiff of airplane glue... want some?"
Conversation between Gen Hawk and his chief of staff overheard before a major offensive.
In July '44 in an allied offensive, Gen Hawk held the right flank. Gen Kroin was pushing through the center when he discovered his right flank was open. He got on the radio and furiously demanded to know what the hell Gen Hawk was doing. Gen Hawk's aid replied 'he's keeping the panther busy'. Later it was discovered that there was no armor in Gen Hawk's sector. When the aide was asked about this he replied "I thought you knew what that meant.."
One of General Hawk's greatest military achievements came during a Tuesday in fall 44 in the midst of a German offensive. He first gave orders to withdraw, then, unexpectedly, got on the radio and screamed for an advance. This caught the advancing German infantry off guard and resulted in a huge victory for Gen Hawk. However a cloud of doubt surrounded this order since the General usually radioed in his order for Scotch for the week on Tuesdays, stating how much he wanted for each day. Hawk was notoriously bad at mathematics so he frequently yelled over the radio at his supply Sgt. Vance to add the total for the week himself.
When Gen Patton made his famous
"..I'm going to
In Oct 45' a reporter for the
London Sun-Times asked Gen Hawk how long it would take to get to
General Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk was
asked in 1952 at a
"Yeah I remember that battle very well. Gen. Hawk had ordered a Company of armor to advance to the objective en masse Old "Bullshorts" was standing up in his command car, waving his arms, grinning from ear to ear.
"It's just like a fucking cavalry charge! We've got everything, the thundering hooves, the flags flapping in the wind, " he kept shouting as he jumped up and down. I remember thinking to myself that we really did have everything for a cavalry charge including a great big horse's ass."
from What the Hell Was I Thinking: Maj Peter Purvis, Putnum Press, 1952.
From: Edited Fragments: The Whole Hawk. by Ben Koope
Kooper: "...so Sgt, you say Gen Hawk had a problem with bravery?"
Sgt Took: "No, I didn't say that. I said he had a pissing in the pants problem."
Kooper: "So the General pissed his pants when the battle heated up?"
Sgt Took: "Again no. You misunderstand. It wasn't HIS pants he was pissing in. That's why he never had a personal driver last longer than 2 weeks."
"Do I remember Gen. Hawk? Sure. I had always mentioned to him that I wanted to become an officer some day. Then, in December, right in the middle of a huge German advance, the General turns to me and asks if I'd like to become an officer. I said in surprise "you mean, right now?'. Not only did he say yes, but he also gave me his uniform to try on. What a nice guy. Willing to trade uniforms with me right there in the midst of a massive German assault."
Pvt Gomer Bonenuckle, 10th logistics company, 105th Infantry.
"I remember Gen Hawk had this strange fixation on a great white Tiger tank. He lived only to hunt it. Some say the great white Tiger was a metaphor representing something more profound. Personally, I just think Hawk was a loony."
Sgt Major Buck 'Ishmal' Stamper, 3rd armored company
Partial recording of radio traffic during the ledgenary Sherman Charge, St Lo region, July 1944.
"Roger, I copy, Panthers in sight. [hiss] If a Panther is targeting you just start [snap] chanting 'hey batter batter batter..'. It'll rattle them [crackle] and they'll miss. Just like in Little League. [hiss] [snap] Oh wait. The Germans don't play baseball. [loud clank, static] Hey, how come this radio went dead?"
"Churchill left one item off his list. For me, I have but blood, sweat, toil, tears, and crap in my pants...and I can prove it."
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk: Stars and Stripes, July 12th, 1944.
From the journal of PFC Dwane Hjurknic, Aug 1944, St Lo Region of France:
"Margie, I hope the kids are all fine. I'm off on another scouting mission for the General. We've lost two scout vehicles and 6 men already, but General Hawk says its important. We know a German armored force is in front of us, but apparently it is vital to the General's strategy to find out what color buttons are on the Germans' uniforms. I don't understand the significance, but I guess that's why I'm not a General. I heard rumors that the General lost 35 scouts to determine if the Germans were 'lurking' or if they were just 'skulking' in the woods."
Partial recording of a pre-mission briefing by Gen Hawk:
"I'm counting [static..] you men to clear a path [static..] trees. You bazooka crews should consider the bazooka as an extension of yourselves [static or suppressed laughter].."
Gen Hawk was also awarded a Silver Star for charging an enemy machine gun nest while carrying two armloads of 50cal ammo. An unconfirmed radio intercept after this heroic act seemed to record Gen Hawk's startled voice stating: "Hey! Those guys were Germans!".
Gen. Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk was
awarded many medals and decorations for the
The General was astride his command jeep examining the enemy positions. He observed a key hilltop in the enemy positions which was bare save a small building and some grazing sheep. General Hawk confidently proclaimed to his new aide pointing to the enemy held hill "Fred, this afternoon I think I'll have me a couple of those sheep". The general's troops assaulted the hill and forced the German defenders to retreat. That evening the aide had the sheep prepared as a victory meal for the General. When word of this got to the General, the aid was immediatly demoted two ranks. The General retired sadly to his quarters with a small pig and a goose.
Except from All's Squeeling on the Western Front, PITA Press, 1980
"Gen Hawk rewarded bravery most of all. He had a standing offer of a case of scotch to any man who would run up and touch an operating Tiger tank with a stick, then return to his unit unharmed. One day we lost 54 men before someone successfully 'counted coup', but boy was that Tiger commander shamed. Hell, I bet to this day he can't even look at his Iron Cross without hanging his head."
Exerpt from Joeseph Stump's Interviews with WWII Paraplegics, Harvard Press, 1953.
"I've developed some of my most effective strategies after being struck in the helmet by stray bullets."
The grandson of Gen Hawk confirmed this story to be true by displaying the General's helmet passed down through the family. An astonishing 8 deep indentations were clearly the result of small arms fire. No explanation was given to explain that 6 of 8 dents were in the rear quadrant of the helmet.
"Cry hammock and let slip the voles of warp!!!"
Radio intercept recorded by the French Resistance, St. Lo region, 1944
"I've got a big bag of GO TO HELL with your name on it."
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk when
asked to surrender outside of
Gen. Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk had a reputation for sick humor. Once of his favorite stunts was to walk into the mess tent unexpectedly and yell "INCOMING". After everyone hit the dirt, overturning the plates and tables, he would fart loundly then say "As you were". This was additionally irksome on chipped beef night.
"I had a dream once. In the dream I was sleeping in a field with 3 fat cows. Then three thin cows approached. I awoke from this dream with the enlightenment that if I would pay those French whores, their sisters will no longer come out to bother me."
Gen. Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
Gen. Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk on fresh recruits:
"I hate 'em. They are about as useful as a Mormon girl on prom night."
After the war this comment resurfaced and ended Gen Hawk's campaign for Governer of Utah.
When describing a parachute jump St. Lo, Gen. Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk once said about the number of Germans "..you couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a Jerry". This story was later determined to be completely true. The general had accidentally parachuted into a pet store with the 412th airborne company 'the fighting Jerrys' (of the 80 men in the company, 75 were named Jerry, 4 were named Jerr, and one was named sticky-pants for as of yet unknown reasons).
Gen. Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
remembers
"... I stepped off the landing craft and the bullets were buzzing like bees. Goddamn drunken, Irish bees."
"If war is hell, where do war criminals go when they die? Extra bonus hell? Advanced hell? So war can't be hell, it must be just sort of like a Stuckys on the road to hell."
Gen. Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
Gen Mel Bullshorts Hawk had a reputation as a man who didn't know the meaning of the word fear. This was attributed not so much to his bravery but to his very limited vocabulary.
Gen Mel Bullshorts Hawk on the infantryman:
"I've seen single man with a rifle can achive amazing things. Especially when drunk and lonely. Hell, some even involved aiming the gun at the enemy."
Gen Mel Bullshorts Hawk was once
asked what about the Army he loved the most. Without hesitation he answered:
"
Gen. Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk on motavting the troops:
"If your troops like you they will fight hard. If they fear you, they will fight even harder. And if you throw in some inappropriate touching they'll fight like hell, believe me."
Gen. Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk always could be seen in the lead of the troops in his scout car. When asked if he thought it was risky he said:
"Risk? I love risk. I thrive on it. Especially those little plastic pieces and the colorfull map."
This inspired and deeply confused Sgts Bill Milton and Fred Bradley
" Rest and regrouping spells defeat. I want my troops to run through the enemy like cheap chocolate through a French whore
.... and don't ask me how I know how fast that is."
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
"I focus on the objective and don't lose
too much sleep over casualties...unless the casualties end up laying near my
tent moaning in pain. Then I try to drown them out with loud music."
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
"Revenge is a dish best served cold... and from behind...and with a large blunt object. Many people forget about those last two items, but believe me they make a HUGE difference."
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
"Just give peace a chance? Hell, peace has had its chance, now its WAR's turn."
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
"In
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
"If there's one thing I hate, its a coward.
If there's two things I hate, its a coward who is driving my jeep with my weekly load of Scotch and surrenders to the Jerries at the first sign of trouble.
If there's three things I hate its a coward jeep driver who points out my hiding place in the bushes to the Jerries."
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
"I use the 'shoot first and ask questions later' approach. However I found that the ask questions part rarely yields anything beyond ARRRG! or HELP ME! ".
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
"I hate green troops. I once yelled for them to fix bayonets and half of them replied back that their bayonets were not broken and didn't need fixing."
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
"Death is nature's way of laughing at you, not with you."
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
"All the men that fought with me will definitely say I'm a grunt. Not because of being an infantryman. It comes from what they hear when I'm on the latrine"
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
"Actually had a soldier
named 'Jumpin' Jehosaphet in my unit. You would think a guy like that would be
in the Airborne. Nope. Tank gunner. He died of repeated concussions 2 weeks
after arriving in
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
"It is true that I originated the expression ‘snatching victory from the jaws of defeat’. However a reporter edited it from its original more colorful form. What I actually said was: ‘Victory is like a baby. If it eats defeat, just put it on its back and it will vomit defeat back right into your face’. Frankly, I like my original version better "
From a 1952 interview with CBS news
for the program ‘Obscure Heroes’. The program was never broadcast.
"I love soldiers that give 110% because soldiers with a poor grasp of mathematics won’t realize when the odds are hopelessly against them."
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
"If life hands you lemons, punch life in the face and demand a beer and some cigarettes."
Gen Mel 'Bullshorts' Hawk
"I made it a policy before a big battle to have the men leave with me a picture of their wife and a love note in an envelope with their address on it. That way if they were killed in combat I could throw away the love note and I would be left with the addresses and pictures of some hot, single women."
From a chapter about Gen Hawk in
Peter Leek’s History of Defective Leadership: 1961, Putnum press.
"Being drunk with power is still being drunk. Remember that the next time you are out of Scotch."
From Gen Hawk’s one and only address
to the UN Security Counsel: Oct 1975.
"Contrary to what the name may suggest, wearing a tank top does not make one resistant to small arms fire."
Gen Mel “Bullshorts’ Hawk.